Treasure hunt

Kids are off looking for treasure this afternoon, so far they've found a decanter bottle top and a worn Pontiac emblem. As they went off to resume there hunt I caught myself belittling it a lil, even being a lil condescending. Then it occurred to me that I do the same thing when I go on my photo jaunts..what was my point? Should probably go with them, funny I remember when it was my mission ta show them new and interesting things, bin slackin' lately. Maybe they're missing that?(parent angst today!)
Woke up right"off" today, could hardly put 2 thoughts together, was unsettled, unsure took like 3 cups of coffee ta get "on". Had a word for that feeling, even wrote a poem about it once..I'd say what that word was but it's my password for everything hahaha

Sweet

Ya know they got sugar in a carton? Brilliant, few things though..half the time it's in the fridge and I've only just caught myself a few times from drinking it :/ (Can almost hear the "Well that'll teach ya ta drink from the carton!"Ya know from the WOMEN readers.
..and theres so MANY too! hahahahaha.

I like a White Christmas but..

..enuff already, think I've wretched half the muscles in my body slippin' on the bloody sidewalks. Not to mention there being zip work to be had lately.

Nostalgic

Many many(manymanymany) years ago when I was young, myself and some friends used ta roam around Downtown and sometimes we'd end up at the legislation grounds and look into the big lights that lit up the buildings. 60 seconds staring into the coil of one of these powerful lights did somthin really cool. It changed light into purple. Usaully we'd look up and bolt down the pathways lit up by purple flames laughing like lunatics till it wore off. Sometimes we'd all tumble into each other cause ya couldn't see a damn thing EXCEPT for the lights haha.

She's gone!

"She's gone! About an hour ago!"I overheard as I was leaving my local convenience store.
Jessica, she's gone!
Jessica, the owner, appears mildy confused but unconcerned. I take a sudden interest in the paper and watch the old guy for clues to what he's going on about. I can't tell from his expression if he's distressed or not, he just seems excited.
Who's gone?
"My wife, she's dead!, not even a hour!
Jessica seems unsure how to respond, I put a hand on his arm give it a squeeze, turn and go.
What ya gonna do?
Makes ya wonder, why was he there? Was he in shock?Dumb question.

Myself

I aaask myself.
Whaat's wrooong myself?
There's nooo reply,
'cause there's juuust myself,
Just me.

Imaginings..
I used ta imagine people I knew were occupying the bodies of my pets..cats usaully..cause they had that way of lookin' at ya, like they knew.. what you were up to.. and they were gonna use that information..when they got back to there HUMAN body.

There are no purple hippos in Oshawa(but don't tell my kids) maybe in other parts of the world..who knows.

Kitty was my best friend, she had thumbs and didn't mind being chased around the house, or kids, or showers. I always knew what she wanted, cause she told me.

I'm tired, I gotta be up in three hours,that really blows, and I got a child's birthday and Christmas on the horizon. I refuse ta worry, yet here I sit..

Venting

quick disclaimer..this is just a vent, just getting a few things off my chest here to avoid the inevitable Christmas meltdown.

The job situation:
I'm a temp, every morning I get up at 430 AM, trudge down to the service wait in line and cross my fingers that they'll send me out that day. If I'm lucky I'll get a repeat, go back the next day skip the line, maybe come in a lil later, and if I'm REALLY lucky the repeats will continue for a week or two(my first stint went for 3 months) If I'm unlucky I'll get there, get nothing, and go home at 830/900. The rational for this silliness is that I may get hired full time somewhere, it happens, or so I'm told. Recently I was at a place(almost 3 weeks in) and I was just starting to think they were gonna ask me to stay, they seemed to be grooming me for the job, I was doing a lot more then the other temps it seemed, when last thursday they let us go(no return) The manager started a well rehearsed spiel about "We're not busy.." but I cut him off, smiled, told him t'was a pleasure, have a good weekend, take care and walked away. psssh, please, i bin doing rejection since I was wee, quick and painless is the way ta go.
So fuck, that's a kick in the ass, now I'm back ta getting up earlier, trying ta get up front in line, ta MAYBE get somthin',FUCK me.

The place of residence situation:
Same shit, different fucken day. I don't even bother trying ta sort it anymore, every week the roomie brings home more crap..sorry stuff from the auctions. I just clear and clean as necessary nowadays.

Family situation:
I dunno..what can I say, the ex got a deal on a X-box 360, she's covered. Mom sent some stuff to Tammy's for the kids and..hold on! To Tammys?! That's, that's consorting with the enemy in my books! I got the e-mail from her to Tammy as well for some reason. Fuck me twice.

Friends situation:
Bah, friends, got one that's in a place where I just can't go and another that's sparing me the "drama" in her life, well fuck me, and here I'm thinking THAT'S when friends come in handy?

Anywho, I suspect that I'm reaping what I've sown, and despite my rant these are the peeps in my life and I love them all.

Self: kinda lost your momentum eh?
..Shut The Fuck UP! If Denis Leary can mellow with age, so can I.

Guns&Roses(yawn)

Bin debating whether to get there new cd or no. Nah..yeah I dunno, maybe, no slash, yet I'm curious bout the new members..
Very annoyed, can't find my Beth Hart mp3s, nor is there much on the seeqpod, grr..

The jolly fat guy.

Not Santa, the other one, Buddha. Was talkin' to my daughter 'bout religion yesterday. She figures I'm going to hell for being a non believer so I make it a point to enlighten her that there are religions out there(some a lot older then catholicism) that have different ideas about what happens when we die etc. Anywho, yesterday we googled Buddha and it's teachings and I was pleasantly surprised to note the apparent "common sense" approach of the beliefs. The 3 universal truths/the 4 noble truths. Deanna showed interest to, she even seemed calmed by it, which was comforting because one of my beefs with catholicism is that it uses hell and brimstone to intimidate peeps from a young age to believe, which is just not cool for by my way of thinkin'.
Gotta post and dash, work starts waaaay to early these days :(

This is why I don't shoot people..

Blue,blue, blue, one of my fave colors, coming back from work I wondered maybe if the new wave window dressing at the Y swimming pool would look cool in a picture. I imagine they added this dressing to give the swimmers some pravicy from peeps outside the buiding. So I took a couple shots. I tried to get the Y sign and the sidewalk along the building in too for good measure. So after, I'm almost home(right in front of my ex's building actually) when two cop cars pull up lights blazing, the one cop, pumped right up, orders me to put my hands on the hood and takes my camera saying they'd had a complaint that someone had observed me taking pics of children swimming. Fuck..I see where this is going and try to explain that I was just taking a pic of the building and actaully from the angle I took the pics I couldn't even see inside, 'cept maybe 20 feet up the wall of the pool becuse of the new BLUE window dressing. I could see I was wasting my breathe, this cop was convinced he'd caught a perv and got all ignorant and waved away my explainations, and when I tried to show the other cop how to review the pics on my camera I was told to keep my" fucking hands on the hood.!". Asshole. So anyways, the other cop checked out my pics(some cloud shots, a painted hydrant, 3 pics of the Y building) and said he was assured that it was innocent enough and apologized for the fuss, which I totally understand, but I thought asshole cop should have bin a lil more descreet till he had the facts, fucken pig.
I was thinking of leaving my camera at home this morning..but fuck that, can't let one bad(horrible actaully) experience scare me off takin' pics.

Talk,talk.

I'm envious sometimes of strangers conversations. Politics, sports,music, all interesting, but not so much that I'd commit details to memory, just not passionate enough about such thing I guess. Which leads to the inevitable question Just what am I passionate about? Have ta think on that a bit I think, though tisnt a very interesting question. :/

Random thoughts

Like I have any other kind :)
T.V- Grey's is shapin' up to have another kick-butt season/ Dexter's is getting kinda creepy/Private Practice..myeh./Top Gear, too cool/BBC's Sir David Attenborough, what a fasinating peep, wonder if him and Gerrald Durrell ever hung out?


Food- I've developed a fondness for stir fry and pork fried rice. Fresh vegetables are suddenly appealing..I must be getting old, reminds me I need some Vitamin C, bin negligent with the fruits lately. The Halloween treats are all gone.


Music- Listening to the "Classic" Rock station today, bin awhile sounds fresh.

Women-Oye.

Kids- Mystifying..what do they see in me anyways?

Oshawa-Bin for over 10 years now..what HAppened?! AAck.

Work- It only hurts when I stop.

The big Four OH-I'm a giant Hobbit, what the fuck?!

Guitar blues

..header's kinda big :/

Neighbor's gotta guitar and..he really sux. Newb. I know what he's thinkin too, as he plays the same riff or whatever over and OVER and OVER. "Hey this sounds familiar, I'll just stick to this" Kill me now please. I can't play and I've had a few guitars which I've smashed or sold or given away but at least I mixed it up a lil, i didn't play the same 3 fucken notes over and over again, fucker. Hehe, I'm not really bothered, just fun goin' off. Had a electric guitar for a while, lefty too but waz fun. Another friday..oh for fucks sakes! Don't sing man! ..night boooored agin. At least he's doin' somthin', amusing himself. Think they even got women up there..I suspect they're whores but that just may be sour grapes on my end. I'm sure if I got a bottle and knocked on the door..I could get in all kinds of trouble hehehe.
..lost my train of thought.
Dodeedodeedo, dodeedodeedo, dodeedodeedo..*sigh*

Oddly enough

It just occurred to me, I feel better..and thinkin' about it i realized as I emptied the last load from the dryer that it was putting my bookcase in the kids room so the kids would have a place handy for there clothes. Just a lil thing, all those neat lil bundles of clothes, all orderly and in there places..s'pose there's somthin to be said for"Babie steps" after all.
Self: it'll wear off..
:P

Body Parts

Cleaning the kids room today. finding pieces of various doll parts and it was somewhat disconcerting. Just curious but how many tentacles does a squid have? Sacrificed my bookcase ta use for a dresser of sorts. Relocated all my books and odds and ended to a corner of a closet. Maybe I'll put a TV in there room, be nice ta not trip over the game consoles wires when I want ta watch a movie..feeling very domestic today, rationalizing that I gotta get ones house in order before I can fix the rest.
Windows service pack 3 has bin givin' me all kinds of headaches today, dosent wanna play nice with firefox, very annoying.
Is there anything more painful then stepping on a piece of lego?
Would drinking beer be really that big a deal? It's only 5%..
Vodka'd be better, in moderation of course, maybe just a glass at night ta take the edge off.
Self:..
Yeah,yeah, maybe with milk, some ice, and a splash of coke? :P
Self: Forgot the Baileys..
Right,right, yum! :)

Motivate meself

http://www.seeqpod.com/search/?plid=d504c2a906

Ya mean it wasn't all in my head?

Oye, punking off one's employer should only be done in ones head..perhaps one wid wee ones should have kept his overly sensitive mouth shut and remembered the logistics of caring for one's..wee ones. Say that 10 times real fast :/
But no matter, think of something..
Self: Not realy bringing a lot to the table though are yas?
Shu-op.

Rudimentary

Always doin' this, I even warned myself to chill, no matter what happens just get through it blah blah blah. ..and what happens? I fuck it up, I opened my mouth and it all came crashing down. Burn bridges? Me? I blow up the dam. Oh and somebody always mentions; Oh well if you woulda just SAID something..Oh excuse me, I'm sorry but I like ta give people credit for at least a rudimentary intellegence. Fuck me. I'm easy going but taking advantage has to have some..reciprocation. Oye, another fine mess. Gotta stop sabotaging myself, dignity will only get ya so far.

Splish Splash

It'd bin a long, hot, muggy weekend. Was feeling rather blah this evening and was annoyed that the kids seemed to be still out even though it was getting dark. To top it off it was starting to rain. I found them at the park squeeing(that a word?), splashing in puddles. There was a couple other kids there, there mothers chatting under a overhang protected by the rain. Didn't have the heart ta call them in but if they were to stay out I'd have ta watch them. I tried not ta think about the fact that at one time or other I'd fantasized about both the women there..I knew them both, they were talking very loudly about insensitive boyfriends, going to the club, lack of freedom, the usaul. I situated myself at a respectable distance because I couldn't get those damn fantasies outa my head and was feeling rather warm. Fortunately the kids saved me by surrounding me and playing paddycake on my bald spot. Was kinda nice being out in the rain, very cool.

Whahoo!

A WHOLE half day off! First I'm gonna Go buy some clothes then I'm gonna scoot ta A&P, then I'm gonna go for a tour and try and get some pics then..Zzzzzz.

I want it.

Not bloody likely, but it amuses me to fantasize.
10 things in no particular order.
1.A DSLR camera, with telephoto lense. Cause once in a while it'd be nice ta see a bird or animal and just snap a pic without going into "stalking"mode.
2.A pedal bike that weighs less then the motorized ones. Cause recreation doesn't have to be like work, effortless is good.
3.New pute. 1000$ would get me up ta date and sim drivin' and flying again.
4.A half dozen books by my fave authors: Really itchin ta read somthin.
5.3 bedroom, large yard, porch and a big tree for shade. hahahahah yeah right.
6.A complete set of pots and pans, mixing bowls and cooking utensils. Would be nice.
7. Dishwasher. Automatic, or child powered just as good.
8.A lover. Just sex, idle conversation, nothing complicated.
9.A vacation. A real one not just a period of time when I'm not working. Paris or Florence, maybe one of those place where the rain forest is, Brazil?
10.Hmm..Someplace ta swim that's handy. May be the only thing on this list that's doable.

Hot

It's a wee bit hot here, too hot to sleep. So a lil blah,blah,blah
Bought a ARC of a fave author on E-bay the other day, still waitin' for it though :(
Seemed ta have recovered from a severe case of the blues, took to much energy, seemed to fade as soon as I was caught up with the bills go figure.
Cleaning day tomorrow fun fun.

Not gonna, n-uh

..cause I'm a grown man, true, i'm a lil anxious for some grown-up conversation, but I've called, a few times. So..not gonna.
Self: You will.
N-uh, won't.

Night mouse

S'pose ya could say the mouse in the house is part of the family now. Used ta drive me crazy hearing it scurrying around in my kitchen at night, and catching it,putting it out and having it back the next night. What the hell, so I have ta sterilize the counters every morning, no biggie. As long as it stays outa my food and in the kitchen no harm no foul.
Self: your weird.
I know, but what can ya do when ya live in a shoe.
Self:?
No idea, night self, night mouse.

My bad

So..needless ta say I owed my landlord an apology today..which I gave of course, he was pretty cool about it. What, what, so I went a LIL overboard. It occurs to me that I may be a wee bit edgy of late, probably because I seem to have put myself into a repetitive loop of work eat sleep and the kids on the weekend, which I really have a problem with but with it being summer holidays I don't have the heart ta drop the wee ones off at their mom's at 7 in the morning, don't think mom would be to thrilled either. Almost time for them to go back to school though, be possible then, maybe I'll take them for a swim again in the mornings like I did last fall, the Y's showers are probably cleaner then mine anyways :P
Seems my kids are adjusting to there father less a day a week ok, don't seemed that bothered actually..*sniff*

Hammer time.

Or how to get rid of a noisy neighbor. 11 oh 2 and my landlord's bangin' away next door. Renovating the apartment, bin at it for about 2 years now. 15 minutes earlier I swore as I lay trying to sleep that if he was still at it at 11 I was going over with my hammer. So..11 oh 3 I go over with my hammer and ask if there's anything I can hammer. I start with the door then gesture at the apartment walls "These?" How bout a window?" I ask. I then explain that I have to be up early and if I heard one more tap of a hammer I was gonna demo the whole apartment. Needless to say he packed up in a hurry and I think I heard his truck leave at this very moment.
..I realize this may not have bin the wisest course of action but I am so TIRED and it yeilded the quickest results. may find a eviction notice in my mailbox in the mornon

I'm shrinking.

My clothes don't fit anymore, even my tightest pair a jeans made a beeline for my ankles, spent half the day pulling my pants up. Yes I'm bragging :) Working at a construction site, putting in insulation, setting up scaffolding helping the plumbers dig trenches..speaking of plumbers, had the weirdest thought the other day, watching them in their holes, heads popping in and out of view, had the urge ta whack 'em when they popped up, kinda like that "Whack a mole" game hehe, "Whack!". Twisted thoughts I know, I'm sure their hard hats would have cushioned the blows somewhat.

Ladadeeladada

I got song in my head, lil odd but it's gotta be said.
ladadeeladada,ladadeeladada.
Spendin' all my time, makin' the bread, wee ones need too be fed.
ladadeeladada,ladadeeladada.
Me and myself we got to stay, looks like we'll never get away.
ladadeeladada,ladadeeladada.
Awake till late, fake it till I break it,
awake till late, fake it till I break it,
awake till late , fake it till I break it,
a w a k e t i l l laaaate...
ladadeeladada,ladadeeladada.
bopbidditybop..boopbop bop bidittybodittyboop.

Self:.go back to bed.
Aww..t'was just havin some fun.
Dodiddlydoodoodoo..alright.

Silverchair

Yeah it's bin done, and it's corny but Silverchair's "Straight lines" is a rockin song :P

Alls quiet on the..

Apparently I haven't missed much being offline these past few weeks..other then a month of Jackie Chan's diaries and a few entries in various other blogs I frequent, it seems pretty quiet in my lil corner of cyber-space. Dog days of summer I guess. Had all kinds of fodder for my blog during the down time; Working again(the back breaking variety that has me seriously considering the use of powerful, even illegal pain-killers), the total absence of a social life and how seriously fucked up that is..anywho, tonight I'm plugged in anyway and that's something, save the rants and deep thoughts for another day,felling kinda blah today.

Wasn't me..

Reading some of my old posts and..that's not me,that's some weird deranged mentally unhinged dude that's bin masquerading as me, honest! Oye.

Fucken assholes

The particulars: A local newspaper, a kid, a parent, an assumption that that I prescribe to aforementioned local newspaper.
So when the kid comes to my door to collect monies for the delivered papers I tell him, or more accurately his dad(kid's like 6) that I don't prescribe and there's some kinda mistake. He tries ta tell me he's delivered like 3 papers, I say whatever I didn't ask for them(I've only seen one, I thought it was junkmail) don't deliver any more. Today his kid puts another one in my door, so I go out paper in hand, and put it back in his cart. I tell his dad(kid's only 6) I don't want this paper. thanx. I'm cool cause.. kid's only 6. The dad tells me they gotta give every house one and ta call the paper if I don't want one.
Fucken Newspaper..I'm not pissed because of there lame ass scam, I'm pissed cause I can't just pay for the fucken thing, look the kid in the eye and say"There ya go but I don't need no more ok?"Feel like a piece of shit cause some fuck at the paper..ommmmmmm. I hate being put in a awkward position.
Oh and on a unrelated note I quit smoking again.

Nostalgia

Ack, my daughter wanted me to put some music on, helps her sleep. So I did. Checked the playlists and Fleetwood Mac was handy so I put it on. Thinkin' background noise, whatever. 4 songs later I'm feeling decidely bummed, yet I can't turn it off! Don't get me wrong I like Fleetwood Mac but it's got it's time and place. A long car trip by myself, in the morning ta offset a grumpy wake up, when the kids are tearing it up etc. *sigh* not tonight though.
Self:Are we feelin' fragile tonght? :(
Fuuuck off!
Self: (hehehehe)

When push comes to shove.(or a claustraphobic's nightmare.)

Something wrong with this picture..the piles of boxes2/3's of the way to the ceiling, a shopping cart, a rug cleaner from like the 50s..all where there used ta be nothing, maybe a bike or 2, 8 by 4 feet square of what used ta be clear space, the ONly clear space in the apartment NOT filled with..JUNK(sorry roomie)! The landlord in his drywalling frenzie of the hallway had walled in a closet, so naturally that stuff had to go somewhere..I tossed a kitchen table and 3 chairs for that space. The kitchen is like the busiest area in my apartment, meals are cooked, lunches are made, laundry is done there(hoses attach to the sink) Everywhere else is jam packed full of ..crap(sorry roomie)! But everywhere else isn't a high traffic area, I can deal with it. What I CAN'T deal with is the only high traffic place in the house being cluttered! Some perspective, I've organized, shuffled around, and emptied every room in the apartment over the last couple years ta make room and it just FUCKIN fills up again! I'm at my wits end, time ta think about moving I think cause it's just not doable anymore.
Self: Feel better?
Yeah, venting good.
Self:..hear that? sounds like the landlord.
...
Self: Easy, he's workin next store.
So anyways, yup, time ta move.
Self: Of course in order ta do that-
I know,I know, I'm on it.

Rise and ebb

I was just full of it earlier..yesterday too, but now..myah.
But I gotta post somthin', bin a while. So..
...
Self?
Self: Sorry, got nothin'.
Rainin', yup. Usaully that's a good thing ta get the juices flowin'.
..not today though.
Self: Notice your talkin' to yourself, maybe ya could talk about your mental problems..
Bite me.
Ommmmumumum, speakin of moms! Nah, too tedious.
...
....
Self: Give it up.
Self: Hey, how bout that hot babe ya talked to at the marsh today?
Oh ya right, what were the first words out of my mouth again?
Self: I think they were-
Hey I don't think your allowed to walk your dog here!
Self: Smooth.
Very.
Self: Ya kinda smelled like goose poo too I think.
...
Self: So we doin' the "Self" thing then?
Apparently, cause your just so fuckin' fun to talk to!
Self:..
Sorry, notice the fangs on her?
Self:Fangs?
Yeah, pointy things in her mouth.
Self: And ya noticed this..why exactly?
I dunno, was wondering why myself.
Self: and?
And what? I was roaming around in the woods all day maybe I was feeling..Primal, I dunno what the fuck?
Self: You need help.
I know, she did have a nice bum though eh?
Self: Oh yeah.
Self:..
What?
Self: Be gentle.
Fuck you! I aint playin' tonight!

I gotta say I'm surprised

I was prepared to be disapointed on the season finale of Grey's, why? Cause really, is it possible for it to be all good for so long? Apparently so. And no cliffhanger! Very satisfying end to the season. Well there was that bit at the end..but it wasn't enough really to qualify, just a bitty teaser to peeps ta remember if theres a 'nother season. Bailey's Science fiction bit had me smilin ear ta ear and..well good stuff anyways.

Oh the "Amazing" song in the walla whatever goes out to all the writers/actors etc of greys

Spring cleaning, done,done, and DONE!

Was a pain in the butt, but it's done. Kids are impressed..what, ya'd think I never cleaned the place! Weasels.

It was like the terminator's arrival in the movie..of the same name.

..and I was the curious cop, 'cept I'm not a cop, there was no lightning or any other cool effects. and the end rusult wasn't a naked man, but a fucking mouse! Think at this point I'da prefferred the naked man,as gay as that sounds..Oh wait wasn't there a female terminator? Yes there was!
..sorry lost my train of thought, remembering the boob adjustment scene.
So anyway fuck, there getting in somewhere, and this place is such a clusterfuck of late gonna have ta do a major clean-up ta see what's what.
Spring clean up is due anyways I 'spose.

Pangea Day

Dunno how I missed this..somethin I woulda bin into.
The Pangea Day Mission & Purpose
"Pangea Day is a global event bringing the world together through film.
Why? In a world where people are often divided by borders, difference, and conflict, it's easy to lose sight of what we all have in common. Pangea Day seeks to overcome that – to help people see themselves in others – through the power of film."
Scooped that from the website.http://www.pangeaday.org/index.php What a good idea, think it shoulda got more press though.
..a side note, and I probably shouldn't comment but was it just me or did Meg Ryan seem a lil..messed up? Not important though, hopefully the event inspired a lil more tolerance in the world.

Burnt

Bin wandering 'round the marsh and beach a lot lately, the result is that My face is burned, not peeling but super sensitive.
..and the mouse is no longer in the house, I found it in the garbage which I promptly tied up and disposed of in the bin.
Met a old couple at the marsh yesterday on the boardwalk. They were trying to feed the chickadees and not having much sucess. I gave them my wild bird seed and they had better luck. I marveled at how child like in there enthusiasm they seemed hands out, a look of wonder on there faces. The lady actaully got down on her knees to look over the edge of the boardwalk to marvel at a turtle that had crawled underneath. I imagined possible histories for them that brought them to this point in there lives..killed some time while I ate lunch, and those pesky chickadees were distracted :)

Unbelievably dumb..

I had 'em! I'd heard the rattle of the roasting pan, had very quietly went to it, cookie pan in hand,had slippeditoverBam! Mouse caught. Did a happy dance, nyeah, nyeahed and "in your faced the mouse. Then I opened the door, sat down in the doorway and uncovered the pan.
..The lil fucker hopped out onto my lap, over my arm and back into the house. I barely held back a roar of rage(kids were sleeping). That's twice I've bin within stabbing/crushing/ripping tearing/smothering/mutilating/braining/disecting/squashing.."Of course you realize this means war!" Speaking of cartoons I'm beginning to feel like Tom in Tom & Jerry.
I'm being bested by a mouse! (sob!) Daughter made me a lovely picture frame today, think I'll just focus on that.

Testing the "creativity" waters.

He sighs in the depth in her eyes, he replys that it's her thighs, not her eyes, he lies and cries at the depth of her eyes, wise to the lies he vies for the thighs, though not the prize, he tries and dies.

How much wood could woodchuck, chuck if wouldchuck could chuck..

I have no fodder for poetry..

OOOMMmmmm..

Think I'm good now, things are still a lil messed up but I'm cool. Have that stillness before battle feeling, lil melodramatic perhaps, but the description fits. Know what I gotta do, just gotta go do it. Was kinda hopin' I'd be able to pick and choose my future, but I realize ya can't always get what ya want in some things. So..I'm off ta find whatever job I can get. If I need daycare I'll just have to deal with that when I have to. Days of having control over my schedule are probably done for the time being.
One thing I'm NOT doing is commuting to bumfuck Idaho(or Toronto in this case) ta work.

...

..friend of mine had a baby recently, well HE didn't, wife did. I just heard about it from another friend who's moved back to the east coast. "other friend" is doing good ,good job, good girlfriend, says he's content, happy with life, says I should come on down, lots of work.
...
I can't of course, ex lives here, so aint gonna happen..
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!
..and how come I didn't hear buddy had another kid?

The Golden Compass

Very annoyed..movies don't end on cliff hangers! Pshht, was just getting interesting too. Adapted from a book it had that "cut corners" feel. Still, I enjoyed it, at least till till the end &!#$&Z#!!

The wall

Really don't wanna get outa bed lately, ya know the feeling, in your mind your bed is a comfortable, safe, lil island..k, maybe ya know the feeling if your 5, in which case your probably not reading this..POINT IS just don't wanna deal with anything anymore, it's not even that I'm depressed or sad really, I'm not, just..bored, and frustrated with life's lil realities. For example:
No car =no spontaneity
"Stop!"
?
self- nuff already
What ya mean?
self-This whining, please, your embarassing yourself
Also talking to myself..
self-..
Still there?
self-just pull yourself together, need inspiring visauls?
Inspiring visauls?
self-Yes, ..memories of you doing manly, heroic..inspired
things.
..I have some?
self-I'm looking..
..
self-OF COURSE YOU DO!!
!!
self-just so many to choose from..
..umm, teddy at the kiddie land?
self-hmm? Oh right, yeah well t'was a nice moment, turning point really..
Where'd the english accent come from?
self-eh?, well, ya did just finish a novel about London world war 1 era.
Right.
self-Focus! Anyway, stumbled on it thought it might be helpful
It was thanks. Though I'm not sure how exactly..
self-..not sure either but it's one of your more vivid memories.
Hardly heroic.
self-No, s'pose not, funny the things that'll rock ya eh?
Was just a stuffy, I had a half dozen of them.
self-I know and giving one away to a wee girl cause she dropped her ice-cream was no biggie, probably done it ta shut her up cause ya was hung over.
Most likely.
self-hmm, them coming back later, her mother and her was puzzling for ya eh?
Don't think I even recognized them.
self- no, I suspect not..now for the vivid part, her mother said?
..
self -her mother said..
shewantstogiveyouahug
self-"She wants to give you a hug!"
Fuck you
self-hehehe you were floored, in the space of a nanosecond you came to the realization that 1, you've never bin hugged. 2 someone actaully wanted to give you one.
Thank you I feel so much better now
self-ah, but it was at that point you realized it wasn't all shit eh? You could make someone happy and as a bonus, it'd make you feel good as well.
That's so lame
self-it's all relative, your looking at it from a imagined "normal"POV, trivializing it. Truth is she saved your ass by giving you the one thing ya needed to feel human again.
Fair enough, but that was then this is now, can't imagine a life without..hugs*ack, woot am I a fucken care bear now?* Dammit, gimmie somthin else!
self-ahh here we go, 'member the the time..with the..and it was beholden to you to..know what I'm sayin'? You the man! A rock! Nobody can break you! ..'cept that wee girl at the kiddie land..
Fuck you.
Note: I worked as a "carnie" selling fiddlesticks(ice-cream) for 3 summers,"kiddie land" as the name implies is the part of the ex where the kiddie rides are, also the busiest stand(go figure kids and ice-cream) wow, that was like almost 20 years ago!

Annoyed

Dejavu, my eyes opened to the crash of silverware in the sink, followed by the rattling of pots and pans. I wasn't impressed, it was seven AM I still had 30 whole minutes to sleep. My roomate aka father-in-law was doing dishes, lil early but whatever he's funny that way sometimes, except the racket was escalating. I heard the toaster being slammed down and that's when my daughter woke up startled. I told her it was just grandpa doing dishes she still had time to sleep, which she did. I didn't, I was wiiide awake cause I'd heard this before with my mother and I was trying real hard to convince myself that I was a grown man and to squelch the growing uneasiness, I got that old feeling of foreboding that something bad was gonna happen, then I started to get pissed off. As I contemplated various ways of doing harm to my FIL he slammed the door and was gone. HATE that! Kids were oblivous, I s'pose they had no reference to be alarmed about my FIL ovious discontentment about something. That made me feel better. As I lie there waiting till "Time to get up" time I had a moment of clarity. I'd always had dreams of foreboding, of escalading waves of dread that built up and built up until I woke up in a sweat. Think I know where that comes from now.

Max

I don't remember dialing 911, or waking my sister up. though as I write this I realize she must..I can't even begin to imagine how it must have felt to be awakined to such a thing. I remember blue, I remember a feeling much like hitting your head on concrete but instead of my head the pain was in my chest. I remember the siren, the flurry of firemen in her small apartment. I remember being gently pushed aside and them working on him. I knew it was too late, I'd allready tried, his lips had bin dry, his wee body cold. I remember after, my mother being there,for a lil while, then leaving, my sister retreating to her room. I remember telling myself it wasn't my fault but believing it was.

My sister refused to talk about it after and I understood, though our mother didn't and I remember running interference for her. I remember my mother falling in Max's grave at the service and me whacking a friend for laughing though I near busted my gut holding my own laughter in.

Mostly I remember Max in his swing chair laughing and carrying on,mostly.

Blah,blah,blah

S'pose I'd better write something, even if it's just jibberish..
Feeling very weary of late. Borderline depression I think. Ahh it'll be spring soon, my favorite time of year and these winter blues will dissolve most certainly. Till then stiff upper lip and all that. So many things in my head clamoring for attention these days and I'm ignoring them all.

Remembering Alice Cooper

I hate school. But if you were to ask me why I couldn't give you a clear answer. Maybe it's a "rebelling against authority" thing, or I'm uncomfortable around authority figures..dunno I'm sure it'll come back to me. Made the decision to upgrade my skills such as they are. Which means at some point I'll have to get my grade 12. My reasoning or rational is that though I've had numerous businesses they've never bin all that profitable and maybe they could have bin if I'd dotted all my "i"'s and crossed all my "t"'s as far as the paperwork goes. To my credit I've never gone into the red so it's possible with a lil schoolin' I could have some sucess.
Step one is a 5 week Self-employment course with a advanced computer course interwoven in. As much as I use my 'pute I'm clueless when it comes to the business applications. Though I did use it once for flyers, which by the way is a bad idea, it's cheaper(and faster) to get them done at a print shop.
Step 2 depends on how I do on Step one so I'll come back to step 2 at a later date.