OOOMMmmmm..

Think I'm good now, things are still a lil messed up but I'm cool. Have that stillness before battle feeling, lil melodramatic perhaps, but the description fits. Know what I gotta do, just gotta go do it. Was kinda hopin' I'd be able to pick and choose my future, but I realize ya can't always get what ya want in some things. So..I'm off ta find whatever job I can get. If I need daycare I'll just have to deal with that when I have to. Days of having control over my schedule are probably done for the time being.
One thing I'm NOT doing is commuting to bumfuck Idaho(or Toronto in this case) ta work.

...

..friend of mine had a baby recently, well HE didn't, wife did. I just heard about it from another friend who's moved back to the east coast. "other friend" is doing good ,good job, good girlfriend, says he's content, happy with life, says I should come on down, lots of work.
...
I can't of course, ex lives here, so aint gonna happen..
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!
..and how come I didn't hear buddy had another kid?

The Golden Compass

Very annoyed..movies don't end on cliff hangers! Pshht, was just getting interesting too. Adapted from a book it had that "cut corners" feel. Still, I enjoyed it, at least till till the end &!#$&Z#!!

The wall

Really don't wanna get outa bed lately, ya know the feeling, in your mind your bed is a comfortable, safe, lil island..k, maybe ya know the feeling if your 5, in which case your probably not reading this..POINT IS just don't wanna deal with anything anymore, it's not even that I'm depressed or sad really, I'm not, just..bored, and frustrated with life's lil realities. For example:
No car =no spontaneity
"Stop!"
?
self- nuff already
What ya mean?
self-This whining, please, your embarassing yourself
Also talking to myself..
self-..
Still there?
self-just pull yourself together, need inspiring visauls?
Inspiring visauls?
self-Yes, ..memories of you doing manly, heroic..inspired
things.
..I have some?
self-I'm looking..
..
self-OF COURSE YOU DO!!
!!
self-just so many to choose from..
..umm, teddy at the kiddie land?
self-hmm? Oh right, yeah well t'was a nice moment, turning point really..
Where'd the english accent come from?
self-eh?, well, ya did just finish a novel about London world war 1 era.
Right.
self-Focus! Anyway, stumbled on it thought it might be helpful
It was thanks. Though I'm not sure how exactly..
self-..not sure either but it's one of your more vivid memories.
Hardly heroic.
self-No, s'pose not, funny the things that'll rock ya eh?
Was just a stuffy, I had a half dozen of them.
self-I know and giving one away to a wee girl cause she dropped her ice-cream was no biggie, probably done it ta shut her up cause ya was hung over.
Most likely.
self-hmm, them coming back later, her mother and her was puzzling for ya eh?
Don't think I even recognized them.
self- no, I suspect not..now for the vivid part, her mother said?
..
self -her mother said..
shewantstogiveyouahug
self-"She wants to give you a hug!"
Fuck you
self-hehehe you were floored, in the space of a nanosecond you came to the realization that 1, you've never bin hugged. 2 someone actaully wanted to give you one.
Thank you I feel so much better now
self-ah, but it was at that point you realized it wasn't all shit eh? You could make someone happy and as a bonus, it'd make you feel good as well.
That's so lame
self-it's all relative, your looking at it from a imagined "normal"POV, trivializing it. Truth is she saved your ass by giving you the one thing ya needed to feel human again.
Fair enough, but that was then this is now, can't imagine a life without..hugs*ack, woot am I a fucken care bear now?* Dammit, gimmie somthin else!
self-ahh here we go, 'member the the time..with the..and it was beholden to you to..know what I'm sayin'? You the man! A rock! Nobody can break you! ..'cept that wee girl at the kiddie land..
Fuck you.
Note: I worked as a "carnie" selling fiddlesticks(ice-cream) for 3 summers,"kiddie land" as the name implies is the part of the ex where the kiddie rides are, also the busiest stand(go figure kids and ice-cream) wow, that was like almost 20 years ago!