Annoyed

Dejavu, my eyes opened to the crash of silverware in the sink, followed by the rattling of pots and pans. I wasn't impressed, it was seven AM I still had 30 whole minutes to sleep. My roomate aka father-in-law was doing dishes, lil early but whatever he's funny that way sometimes, except the racket was escalating. I heard the toaster being slammed down and that's when my daughter woke up startled. I told her it was just grandpa doing dishes she still had time to sleep, which she did. I didn't, I was wiiide awake cause I'd heard this before with my mother and I was trying real hard to convince myself that I was a grown man and to squelch the growing uneasiness, I got that old feeling of foreboding that something bad was gonna happen, then I started to get pissed off. As I contemplated various ways of doing harm to my FIL he slammed the door and was gone. HATE that! Kids were oblivous, I s'pose they had no reference to be alarmed about my FIL ovious discontentment about something. That made me feel better. As I lie there waiting till "Time to get up" time I had a moment of clarity. I'd always had dreams of foreboding, of escalading waves of dread that built up and built up until I woke up in a sweat. Think I know where that comes from now.

Max

I don't remember dialing 911, or waking my sister up. though as I write this I realize she must..I can't even begin to imagine how it must have felt to be awakined to such a thing. I remember blue, I remember a feeling much like hitting your head on concrete but instead of my head the pain was in my chest. I remember the siren, the flurry of firemen in her small apartment. I remember being gently pushed aside and them working on him. I knew it was too late, I'd allready tried, his lips had bin dry, his wee body cold. I remember after, my mother being there,for a lil while, then leaving, my sister retreating to her room. I remember telling myself it wasn't my fault but believing it was.

My sister refused to talk about it after and I understood, though our mother didn't and I remember running interference for her. I remember my mother falling in Max's grave at the service and me whacking a friend for laughing though I near busted my gut holding my own laughter in.

Mostly I remember Max in his swing chair laughing and carrying on,mostly.

Blah,blah,blah

S'pose I'd better write something, even if it's just jibberish..
Feeling very weary of late. Borderline depression I think. Ahh it'll be spring soon, my favorite time of year and these winter blues will dissolve most certainly. Till then stiff upper lip and all that. So many things in my head clamoring for attention these days and I'm ignoring them all.

Remembering Alice Cooper

I hate school. But if you were to ask me why I couldn't give you a clear answer. Maybe it's a "rebelling against authority" thing, or I'm uncomfortable around authority figures..dunno I'm sure it'll come back to me. Made the decision to upgrade my skills such as they are. Which means at some point I'll have to get my grade 12. My reasoning or rational is that though I've had numerous businesses they've never bin all that profitable and maybe they could have bin if I'd dotted all my "i"'s and crossed all my "t"'s as far as the paperwork goes. To my credit I've never gone into the red so it's possible with a lil schoolin' I could have some sucess.
Step one is a 5 week Self-employment course with a advanced computer course interwoven in. As much as I use my 'pute I'm clueless when it comes to the business applications. Though I did use it once for flyers, which by the way is a bad idea, it's cheaper(and faster) to get them done at a print shop.
Step 2 depends on how I do on Step one so I'll come back to step 2 at a later date.